The ability to make and understand puns is, without the slightest doubt, the highest level of language development. These are the ten first-place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain ; they name him 'Juan'. The other goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars are behind on their belfry payments, so they open up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone likes to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town considers the competition unfair. He asks the good fathers to close down, but they won't. He goes back and begs the friars to close. They ignore him. So, the rival florist hires Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beats up the friars and trashes their store, saying he'll be back if they don't close up shop. Terrified, they do so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a 'super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.'
10. Then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
All together now, "Oh, PUNish me!"
The ROFL in Ralph N. Shirlet