By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Aside from being questionably deeply philosophical, there are practical considerations for couples in this statement. "I'll work on our marriage tomorrow."
Unfortunately for many couples, they wait six years -- yes, six years -- before getting help. That is definitely enough time for rose-colored glasses to become clear and then brown (you do know what I mean).
What can I do today to improve my marriage?
- I can step back and little and notice what is going on between us.
- I can look for my part in our interactions.
- I can determine if I am living out what I said in my vows.
- I can take three deep breaths before I answer my beloved.
- I can remember that he is my beloved.
- I can come home earlier.
- I can turn off my devices at 8 PM and engage with her.
- I can wonder about my own defenses to intimacy.
I hate to be the reminder of bad news, but we all have limited time here on Earth. When we're 85 and looking back on life, what will have mattered? Are we doing what we believe matters?
My good friend who is a financial planner and strategist says if you want to know your priorities look at your checkbook (credit card statements) and your calendar.
Ask yourself: Where am I right now? Take three deep breaths. Look around and notice in great detail what you see. What do you hear? What do you notice in your body? Do you feel a breeze on your skin, sweat, the steering wheel under your hands?
So before it's tomorrow again, what matters today?