By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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I was in Berkeley recently, and as I got in the car with the window rolled most of the way up, I noticed a couple passing on the sidewalk. I could not hear their words; only her tone of voice and see their body language.
She spoke in the "tone" couples often complain about in my office. He replied, and it was below my hearing level. She said something else in the same tone and I saw him throw both hands up from the elbows. Then they were out of sight.
Begin to notice the couples you see. What tone do you hear? What facial expressions or body language do you notice? Does someone roll their eyes at the other (showing contempt)? Do they face toward or away from one another? Does one dominate the conversation?
You can see this through car windows, cafes or restaurants, or as you walk down the street.
Of course, eventually, I want you to begin to notice your tone and body language with your mate. But be an observer for a while first.
Let me know what you see.