By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Arguing in Public
Uploaded: Dec 23, 2014
I went for a walk out at Princeton Point near Half Moon Bay the other day. The rain had stopped after pouring the night before, and it was damp and fresh. I watched a snowy egret digging for lunch, a powered parasail fly overhead, saw dogs, surfers, couples and families.
Pretty soon I heard a couple walking behind me, arguing in public. Nasty tones. You said this . . . No, you said that . . . You didn't call me . . . I didn't know . . . You sniped at me . . . You should've . . .
These are all the phrases and ways of communicating that I don't allow in my office. Can you imagine listening to that all day? Well, maybe you can. Maybe you do. Maybe it's in your house. I'm sorry, if that's true. I don't allow that in my office, because we have to do things differently in order to re-wire our brain to healthier communication.
These types of arguments solve nothing, and leave both parties feeling lousy and resentful. Do you think they went home, had a glass of wine and enjoyed sex after that? No, I don't think so either.
These public arguments are painful to hear from out here, and likely worse from inside there. Usually it's because we have a need that is not being met: to be heard, to be seen, respected, valued, not fixed, etc.
We can learn to say it in a healthy way: I don't feel heard right now. Please listen and don't fix this for me; I need a sounding board right now.
Notice when the word "You" comes out of your mouth. What goes with it? How does that work out?
We are rocks in a tumbler, taking off the rough edges and polishing one another.
What is it worth to you?
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