By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Many people make New Years resolutions. Many people do not keep them. It’s human nature. I’m advocating that you take time to do a year end review of your relationship.
Is it what you want? If not what have you done to get it there? What have you done this year to improve your relationship – even if it’s good?
Were you kind? Did you take vacations and enjoy each others’ company? Did you have a date night every week? Did you have fun and laugh together; be goofy? Did you talk about your future and what makes you happy? Did you work toward that in 2016? Did you support each other through whatever stress came up (job, family, health, loss of any sort)? Did you split chores about 50/50?
Did you yell at each other? Did you invest in your kids a lot more than in your marriage? Did you spend a lot of time at work, and avoid your relationship? Did you flirt with your beloved, or with someone outside your relationship? Did you become a better lover this year? Did you have an affair? Are you using porn or prostitutes rather than facing intimacy in your marriage? Are you using too many drugs, alcohol, sex, device time?
Most people are waiting for their partner to change or do something to improve the marriage. You can only change yourself, not your partner.
What are three realistic things you can do in 2017 to improve your marriage?
Here are a few I can think of right of the top of my head:
Speak kindly to one another.
Discuss issues with a huge amount of listening.
Put yourself in the others’ shoes.
Do things outside of your comfort zone.
Don’t be afraid to feel or look foolish.
Deal with your intimacy issues (different than sex).
Please your partner sexually.