Couples & Premarital : How to Sleep Alone (while in a relationship) -- or not! | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | |

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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Couples & Premarital : How to Sleep Alone (while in a relationship) -- or not!

Uploaded: Jun 12, 2020
While it is both impractical and unethical to have a side business selling double beds, it is also very tempting. I see a smaller bed as a tool for you to improve your relationship.

Here are snippets from couples about big beds:

I am lonely.
We are disengaged.
My cat/dog sleeps between us.
Our child(ren) sleep between us.
We sleep as far apart as the bed will allow.
I wish we cuddled in bed.
I wish s/he would hold me in bed.
I don't know how to cross the desert of our bed.
Do any of these ring true for you? Is this how you see it? What does the big bed mean to each of you? What are the literal and symbolic stories of the gap between you?

Here are snippets from couples about smaller beds:

I like us being wrapped around each other at night.
I like being regulated as we sleep.
I like sleeping close and then turning in different ways.
Bed is "home" with you.
Bed is for:

Touch: contact; comfort; exploration; sexual; intimate.
Reading (at times).
Bed is not for TV or devices.

Are these end-all, be-all rules? Of course not. Yet you do need to talk about it. Each person needs space and to be solid in his or her own Self, own feelings, own needs. Some people are too hot, others too cold. There are many things to discuss. Being explicit about bed is as important as being explicit about each aspect of your lives.

What experiments would you like to try regarding bed?

#marriage counseling
#couples counseling
#couples therapy
What is it worth to you?


Posted by Nora S., a resident of Rex Manor,
on Jun 13, 2020 at 7:03 pm

Nora S. is a registered user.

Two beds are bliss! Each partner can sleep on his or her own schedule, with the temperature he or she prefers, and getting together for sex is even more exciting than ever.

Posted by Richt, a resident of Rex Manor,
on Jun 16, 2020 at 4:35 pm

Richt is a registered user.

For my wife and I our big bed is the only way we could possibly sleep together. (In fact, the same could be said for each of the serious relationships I had before meeting her, but for different reasons.) After about a year on my regular mattress we had to go shopping for a serious mattress that would allow us better sleep together.

FYI, the sex & intimacy part was never a problem for either of us, even when we were camping in a tent in separate sleeping bags or anything else we ever slept on. And we don't read in bed, that's what we have our big-couch for.

My wife is like an electric radiating heater when she sleeps. She puts off so much heat she barely needs a sheet over her even in winter. I, on the other-hand, need a deep pile of heavy blankets to sleep. Snuggling can only last about 10min tops before I am sweating, which of course she does not find sexy or even comforting. Yes, it might seem her heat and my need for warmth & weight would work well, but it does not. Preserving my own naturally varying heat-level evenly at low humidity allows me to sleep. My asleep-skin makes her too cold after a while too.

And then there is movement. I am a light sleeper, pretty much any movement or sound can wake me. Comes from growing up poor and in bad neighborhoods, then later moving to farm country where every sound meant something. My wife is either dead still, like in a coma, or suddenly flails out an arm/leg or flips over suddenly. She can sleep on her back, front, left side or right side equally well with her arms/legs in any position. And moves without ever waking.

On the flip-side, I can only sleep on my side and I need to frequently adjust my position to one of the few arm/leg/sides that allows me to sleep. So, I cannot keep any one position for too long without having to rotate to one of the other positions.

Then there are sounds. Her whole family snores like a bunch of chainsaws you can literally hear out in the front yard. And yet somehow they never wake each other. In the last 20 years my wife began snoring like her family, but intermittently. Which wakes me and I have to reach out to touch her and her sleep level rises a little and the snoring stops. She is not aware of this unless I have to fully wake her because the snoring wouldn't stop.

I also make sounds as I am trying to get to sleep. I have a structural problem in my sinuses and it takes a while to adjust to laying down before things settle and I can sleep quietly.

Oddly, I slept really really well when our child was in that age range where she often wanted to sleep in our bed between us. I'm sure it was all mental, but I have not slept that well since she no longer came to ask to sleep with us.

Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a blogger,
on Jun 17, 2020 at 3:55 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Hi Nora and Richt, thanks for sharing your perspectives. I love that.

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